Britta's Birth Story

I can't believe it's been a month since Britta was born! Time is flying already!!

Anyways...I love birth stories. I loved writing Linnea's birth story - it was so empowering to put into words what the experience was like, and what my body was able to do. I knew that when Britta was born, I would want to do the same thing - to be able to remember the amazing gift of that day forever.

Like I did with Linnea's birth story, I will warn you here...this is a birth story, and I won't hold back details. So if you don't want to her intricate details regarding the birth, stop reading now.

For Britta's birth story, I back up to the Friday before my due date (I was due on Sunday). I had my 39 week (even though it was closer to 40 weeks) appointment with my OB. I left work that day for my appointment feeling SO certain I would not be back. Looking back, I realize how silly that was. I didn't really have any reason to think that - other than the fact that Linnea came right on time. I guess I assumed that since Linnea was on time, this baby would be as well - maybe even a little early. Ha! Not so.

At my appointment, my doctor and I chatted about how I was feeling (great, actually - though getting impatient), and when we thought Baby Sister would come. She did an exam, and much to my surprise, I was dilated to 1 cm. Now I know this isn't much of anything, but with Linnea I had ZERO progress the day before I went into labor, so I really wasn't expecting to have any sort of progress prior to giving birth.

My doctor seemed encouraged by what she was feeling/seeing, and she was quite hopeful that I would likely have the baby soon...perhaps even by the end of the weekend. Hooray! I left the appointment feeling excited, and certain that Baby Sister was on her way.

Well...my due date came and went without much change. All weekend I was feeling sort of crampy - on and off contractions. Again, not really anything I experienced with Linnea. I didn't know if they were Braxton Hicks, or legit contractions - or something in between. Either way, I'd have contractions/cramps for a bit, and then they would go away. Womp womp.

Monday came, and I grudgingly got up and got ready for work. Seriously, it was painful. When I had left on Friday I had everything wrapped up really well. All of my work for the quarter was done, and in the best place it possibly could be. But Monday was the start of a new quarter, and a whole new load of work. I struggled to know what to do - how much to dig in to stuff, what to focus on, etc. And I had a really hard time focusing. I was on pins and needles, waiting to go into labor.

All week at work was much the same - leaving every day hoping it was my last, only to be back the next day. My co-workers were so kind and supportive - but I ended up answering the same questions every day, all day. I felt like the movie "Groundhog's Day" - the same day, over and over.

By midweek I was actually getting quite anxious. Baby Sister was not moving around as much. I notice this, and start to get paranoid that something was wrong. On Wednesday it got bad enough that I ended up leaving early and going into the clinic to make sure everything was okay. The doctor I saw (who was someone I've never seen - not even the same clinic) was great. She was very reassuring and thorough. We listened to the baby for longer than usual. She explained the sounds and movement she was hearing and feeling. She also checked me - I was dilated to 3! Again, so different for me - to be late, and to have that kind of progression!

That night Jeromy and I talked about a game plan for work. I explained my anxiety and how difficult it was for my mental health and well being to be struggling through work days. We decided that I would work half days on Thursday and Friday, and then be done, whether the baby was here or not (thankfully it didn't come to that!).

On Thursday we attended a closing celebration for Linnea's week at Vacation Bible School. It was hard for me to be there - I had hoped/planned that we would have the baby by then, and maybe even be able to bring her. Instead, I was very pregnant, fielding lots of comments and questions.

On Friday I woke up in the four o'clock hour, needing to use the bathroom. As I crawled back into bed I started having contractions. This had happened most of the week in much the same way, so at that point I just got crabby, assuming it was another false alarm.

But they kept coming. And were quite regular (every 5 minutes or so). And were a little painful (not horrible, but enough that I couldn't really get back to sleep). I woke Jeromy up a little before 6 and told him that today was the day! It worked out great because it was Friday, so Linnea was due to go to my parents (they take care of her every Friday). I knew that we still had a bit of time, so we got up and got ready like any other day (just with some contractions thrown in!). Jeromy and Linnea headed out for my parents' house, and I got into the tub with a bowl of cereal and some juice. Like with Linnea's labor, the tub helped me relax and ease the pain of the contractions a bit.

After a bit, Jeromy came back and started gathering our things. I knew that I wasn't as far progressed as I was with Linnea when we headed into the hospital, but I wanted to go. I was anxious that we'd get stuck in rush hour traffic, and I was worried things would progress faster than with Linnea and we'd risk not getting to the hospital in time.

As we drove to the hospital we joked about how it seemed that Baby Sister wanted to differentiate herself as much as possible - it seemed as though everything was different with this labor! We got to the hospital, and made our way up to Labor and Delivery.

I was so much more at ease this time. Yes, of course I was a little anxious, but I felt a boost of confidence having been through the process before. The nurses were very kind, getting us checked in and everything. When they examined me upon check in (around 9:30 or 9:45), I was a "stretchy 5 with a bulging bag of water (gross! ha ha!)."

The nurse asked about our birth plan. We explained that, as with Linnea, we had a "non-plan plan." Ideally, go without medication/intervention, but open to options as needed. The nurses were very supportive of this.

The hospital had been renovated since Linnea was born, and now included water birth suites. I had considered trying for a water birth, but opted not to (mainly because I'd have to switch from working with my OB to the midwives. I'm sure the midwives are wonderful, but I love my OB). I had asked when we had done a tour a couple weeks before if we could request a water birth suite if there was one open. The lady looked at me funny, but said that one could certainly try. So I did - and there was one available.

We got into the room, which seriously felt like a spa. The tub was HUGE - super deep, and easily long enough for me to lay completely flat in it if I wanted to. Additionally, there was a big, flat screen TV with a naturescapes-type channel - a slideshow of pictures/video of animals and pretty scenery. The accompanying music was beautiful and relaxing.

At that point, contractions were quite regular, and a little painful - but still manageable. Jeromy and I chatted in between them. Our nurse (Kate) came in periodically to check on how everything was going.

I stayed in the tub for an hour or so I suppose, and then decided to get out. I was getting a little stir crazy, and wanted the option to move around more. I got out and dried off, and climbed into bed. Contractions were getting significantly more painful at this point. When I was checked at this point I was a 7/8. We checked in about pain management - if I wanted/needed anything. Although it was painful, I was confident that I could once again manage without an epidural. Unlike with Linnea (when I had minimal pain medication), I opted for nothing - feeling like I was managing things well without any medication.

Kate was super fabulous - very encouraging and calming. She was very positive about how I was managing labor, and empowering - telling me to trust and listen to my body. She also encouraged me to try to "shut down" between contractions to get some rest. At first I thought she was crazy, thinking it was next to impossible, but (much to my surprise) I found that I could. I curled up on my side, focused on the nature music, and drifted off in between.

This stretch of labor was fairly uneventful. Regular, painful contractions. Mostly laying quietly, but becoming more vocal with contractions. Kate coming in and out to check on me, and helping me relax and focus my breathing.

At some point Kate told me she was staying until the baby came, and that I was getting close. She again told me to focus on my breathing, since it was getting a little more out of control and frantic as contractions got worse. She gently told me to listen to my body, and that I could bear down if I needed to. She checked me around this time and I was basically at 10 (with just a tiny bit of cervix left to dilate).

Kate had asked me a few times between 8 and 10 cm if I wanted her to break my water. Each time she explained that it would like speed things up, but also make things more intense. Each time she asked I turned her down. I felt comfortable with the speed of how things were progressing, and didn't really want things to get more intense if I could avoid it.

Fast forward to me around 10 cm. It was just me, Jeromy, and Kate in the room. Things were very quiet in between contractions. Another contraction came and I moaned/breathed through the pain. All of a sudden there was this HUGE pop and gush. All three of us sort of jumped/startled. I had this immediate warmth and wetness all over. I heard it splash on the floor. Jeromy still laughs - saying that it was seriously like someone throwing a bucket of water - claiming that it splashed halfway across the floor. My water had, quite dramatically, broken.

Kate was right - immediately things got much more intense. I panicked a little bit, and started to cry. I had come so far, but it hurt so bad now, and I was scared about what I still needed to do. Kate and Jeromy were there to reassure me - that she'd be here soon. At this point it was probably 1:00 or so, maybe a bit after.

Other nurses and doctors started to come in and prep the room for baby. I was seriously delirious - aware of the action and energy around me, but exhausted and in a good deal of pain. The time had come to start pushing. A resident started me going at first, but I really struggled - I had done this before, but it felt so awkward. I felt unfocused and weak - and unsure of when/how to push, and where I was within the process. After a bit the attending doctor stepped in, which I was so thankful for. She was much more intentional about telling me what to do - counting out loud of the pushes, and telling me which pushes were good.

Each round of contractions came, and I would grabbed the back of my thighs and bear down. The doctor had me push as long as I could at the beginning of the contraction (usually about 15 seconds), take a deep breath and push again. I would get two, sometimes three pushes in with each contraction.

At this point I felt so weak. It took EVERYTHING I had to push each time. Each time a contraction would come I'd start to cry because I didn't want to face it. But each time I summoned the strength within, and pushed as hard as I could. (Side note: later that day, and especially the next I noticed that my arms were super sore. I couldn't figure out why, and then realized it was from holding my legs. My arms got a really good workout that day!)

Maybe it sounds weird, but at this point it was almost an out of body experience. I was quite delirious. I was exhausted and SO hot (around this time I took my gown off altogether because I was overheating so bad). I was making sounds that seemed so foreign to me. Screaming, grunting, moaning, etc. felt like all I could do to get me through each contraction/push. I was oddly aware of myself and the state I was in, but almost felt disconnected - really hard to explain.

From the beginning I had been nervous that I would be pushing for as long as I did with Linnea (2 1/2 hours or so). Kate assured me that would not be the case - that Baby Sister would come much faster. Thankfully she was right, and before I knew it, everyone was excitedly telling me she was almost here. I felt the "ring of fire" as her head came out, and shortly after could feel the rest of her. The doctor announced the time (1:53) and put Britta on my chest. I bawled. Sheer exhaustion. Sheer love. Sheer pride in what I had done.

After a couple minutes, they took Britta to test her vitals and get her measured. Some of the nurses and doctors stayed with me to get me finished up. Another experience that was different with Britta was delivery of the placenta. With Linnea, I have no memory of delivering the placenta. I know it came out, but it didn't hurt and I wasn't aware of it. With Britta, the doctor had to guide me through delivering it - a couple more pushes and some pushing of my stomach on her part. It was a little painful, but short lived. I tore just a bit during the whole process, and needed one stitch.

While this was going on Jeromy was with Britta. When it came time for her to be weighed, he yelled across to me to see what my guess was. On the way to the hospital we guessed her to be about 8 pounds, 5 ounces. I couldn't believe it when Jeromy told me she was 9 pounds, 5 ounces, and 22.25"!! Big girl!

Once they were done with both Britta and I, Jeromy and I each got a chance to meet Britta. She was awake and SO alert. It was surreal to be able to look into her eyes - she was finally here, and she was perfect.

My favorite part of the whole experience came after Britta was born. I got out of bed to get showered off (Rain shower head! Seriously, it was like a spa!). What I really wanted was a bath. When I mentioned that, the nurses told me I could get back into the tub - and then suggested that Britta join me.

So they filled the tub again, and I got back in. They stripped Britta down, and laid her on my chest. They covered her with wet towels so she'd stay warm. She hadn't had her first bath yet, so I got to clean her off- scrub her little head, wipe down her back and legs, wash her tiny toes and fingers. I had tried to nurse her shortly after she was born, but she wasn't really having it. But in the tub she happily nursed well for 20 minutes or so. It. Was. Heaven. I will never, ever forget those sweet minutes with her.

I had been so nervous leading up to Britta's birth - how would it go, how would I manage, would everyone be healthy, would we like the nurses. In those quiet minutes after Britta was born I had a huge wave of relief. I had done it. I was so proud of myself. So thankful for my support team - Jeromy and our awesome nurse Kate. So relieved that she was finally here. My heart was full.

She's here! And perfect, if I do say so myself!

Meeting Daddy...

Meeting Mama...

I couldn't stop kissing her...

My favorite memory of the experience. I may not look it, but this is the face of pure happiness, pride, and relief.

40 weeks and counting...

I started this post a couple weeks ago, when I had realized it was APRIL when I last posted ANYTHING. Good grief.

When I started writing the post I was in my 38th week of pregnancy. Just a couple weeks away from meeting our newest little love.

Well...fast forward a couple weeks...and a couple days. I am now 40 weeks, 2 days, and in completely uncharted (for me) territory.

My sweet Linnea girl was right on time, textbook, and honestly the best labor and delivery I could ever imagine or ask for. You can read her birth story here.

Anyways...with the exception of these last couple days, I've really been enjoying these last weeks of pregnancy. I feel like everyone asks very tentatively, "How are you feeling?" expecting the worst, but (again, with the exception of the last couple days) I've been feeling really well. I remember feeling like this with my pregnancy with Linnea. I felt so crummy for such a long time with both pregnancies, that it's such a relief to not feel that way! Yeah, I'm a little hot, sore, and have limited range of motion. But other than that - pretty good energy, sleeping fairly well, etc.

I reached the point a couple weeks ago where I just felt "done." When it hit July...and then when we were in single digits until my due date, I'm just ready. And now...2 days late...forget about it....it's SO hard to focus/be effective at much more than waiting for Baby Sister to arrive.

Work has been particularly hard. In my role, I support a specific group of students (anywhere from around 400-500 people at a given time). As I've talked to people this most recent quarter, I've told anyone I've connected with about my maternity leave. That's a lot of people. And while most people are really nice, and share kind words of congratulations, it does get quite old.

This week has been a totally different ballgame, and a million times more annoying. If I would have been done on Friday (as I had expected/hoped), it would have been AWESOME. It was our "quarter end" (our new quarter started on Monday), and my work load was finished up - wrapped up in a nice little bow.

But now...a weird place. The quarter has started. I had told all my student I wouldn't be here...but yet I am. My colleague who is taking over my workload while I'm gone has reached out to most of them...but yet I need to find something to stay busy. I'm (obviously) super distracted. That, and my very kind co-workers are swinging by to say hi, check on me, wish me well, etc. This is very kind, but I have a big team. Needless to say, not much is getting done.

I'm tempted to just say I'm done...but when I don't know how long it could be before baby comes, I don't want to start my maternity leave without a baby, as it would just cause me to lose time on the back end. So I continue to work.

Okay, enough complaining. It's really not so bad. I'm only 2 days past. People have been very nice, and I'm SO blessed to have a healthy pregnancy, a stable job with supportive co-workers, and an amazing group of family and friends who are supporting us.

Here's a more formal update, as I've been doing...let's hope that I've got a baby post soon!!!

Maternity Clothes: Oh yes. I am measuring bigger than I did with Linnea, so it's definitely mostly maternity clothes. Although I had mentioned in several posts on here that I hoped to buy a few more pieces, I never did. So now, I'm pretty limited in what I'm wearing.

I actually have a good handful of non-maternity shirts I can still wear. I'm quite short-waisted, and wear things a bit baggier usually, so it's nice to have those I can still wear.

Additionally, my work place does "casual summer," meaning we can wear jeans, and knee-length shorts all days of the week. This works quite nicely for summer pregnancies!!

Sleep: Sleep is touch and go. I've gotten through a lot of the really bad pregnancy insomnia that I mentioned last time. I'm still up generally about once a night - usually to go to the bathroom, sometimes just awake. But those are generally more short lived.

In these last few days I find it harder to make myself go to sleep - that's sort of silly...I guess it's kind of like a kid on Christmas Eve...just excited, and hard to settle down.

Rolling over is a bit ridiculous these days - it's crazy how much energy it takes me! Sometimes I'm a bit winded after getting situated. Uff.

Best Moment of the Week: Ha! This post is SO overdue, I'm needing to cover the best moments of the last couple months!

I have enjoyed continuing to feel better (for the most part). Especially since this may be my last pregnancy, I'm savoring all the kicks and movement from Baby Sister. Being pregnant is SUCH a unique, odd, amazing gift. I'm really trying to fully embrace and enjoy that (even in these last few days, which is much harder).

I've also enjoyed seeing Linnea's excitement grow. She talks/yells/sings to my belly quite regularly. Recently, she's been trying (quite hard) to convince her sister to come out - she makes up songs, talks kindly, and in one instance yelled, "Baby Sister, get out! You are SO big!!"

It will be SO fun to watch her become a big sister.

I've also enjoyed finally getting stuff "ready." We were so slow to get the rooms painted, furniture set up, clothes washed, etc. All of that is done now, and it makes me feel a lot more ready and relaxed (again...not so much in the last few days...but whatever.).

Movement: Overall, lots of movement. As I've said before, this babe is quite a mover. Big movement. Still sort of shy, in that it's hard to get her to move for other people. Jeromy has felt her a decent amount of times...usually as we're going to bed and are laying quietly for a bit.

In the last week or so, it seems like she's been moving less. It has made me a bit paranoid. I actually called the triage line earlier this week because I was a little nervous. They said everything sounded good, but just to be sure had me check kick counts. The nurse I talked to said I should feel 10 kicks in an hour or two at minimum. Well...I got 10 kicks in about 15 minutes. So I think we're good. I'm getting a little bit crazier each day that I go over...

Food Cravings: As I said last post, these have definitely leveled off. I've actually noticed that I have less of an appetite. I assume that's because I have less space in there for food. :-P

I'm still loving summery drinks - lemonade, iced tea/lemonade, etc.

Food Aversions: Nada, really. I've been eating pretty normally...just eating a little less.

Morning Sickness: Thank goodness this is far behind me! No sickness. If anything, I just need to be sure that I don't eat too much...because that can make my stomach hurt a bit.

Gender: Girl! So excited to have sisters! She's definitely been referred to almost exclusively as Baby Sister, though I'm pretty sure we've decided on a name for her. I can't wait to call her by her name!!

Symptoms: Do crabbiness and irritability count?? Physically, I actually continue to be okay. I feel big, of course, and a little sore/awkward, but nothing awful.

I've had bad swelling in my feet and ankles on and off. Usually my ankles and feet are awkwardly slender, but they have (at times) tripled their size...no joke. It comes and goes, but when it's bad, it's bad enough to cause me to get tingly/start to lose feeling.

I've had a little bit of acid reflux/heartburn, but not anything too offensive.

Thankfully, Baby Sister has dropped enough that I'm not dealing with the numbness under my boobs anymore.

What I miss: Ease of mobility, plain and simple. Especially with the heat this week, everything is harder...walking, stairs, taking care of Linnea, etc.

Also, the things mentioned previously..running/being active, a summery adult beverage, sleeping on my stomach, having clothes fit.

What I'm looking forward to: Meeting this baby!!!! Hopefully very, very soon!

And now, some random bump shots...

38 weeks...

39ish weeks...how did she grow so much in just over a week??!

At a 4th of July parade...8 days away from due date

Approaching 40 weeks...

40 weeks, 1 day. SO READY!!!

3rd Trimester!!

As I type, I'm in total disbelief that I've actually entered into my 3rd trimester of this pregnancy! But indeed, at 29 weeks (and a few days at this point), that's the reality.

I am SUCH a mess of emotions as of late. Earlier this month marked the year anniversary of finding out I was pregnant with the baby we ended up losing. In just a week or so it will be the anniversary of finding that out, going through the D&C, etc. We've come so far in this year, but those emotions are still fresh and affect me.

I also find myself a little sad. As silly as it sounds, I'm mourning a bit the loss of our little family of three. We've been this way for almost four years, and it seems odd (albeit super exciting) to add another person to the mix. I also am sad recognizing that this may be my last pregnancy. At this point, I would still like another baby, but Jeromy is pretty set on two - and this process and pregnancy has been very hard on me...on us...so I'm not sure that we'll take it on again.

And of course there's excitement and anticipation! It's hard to believe that in less than 3 months we'll have another baby - start over with all those firsts, and learn to love another little being, and become a family of four. Man, oh, man!

So here's a little glimpse of where things are at since my last update.

Maternity Clothes: Yup, definitely. Pretty much all my pants are maternity. There's one pair that I managed to wear recently that isn't, but the button was undone, and it wasn't the most comfortable. I'm wearing regular, non-maternity leggings, and I have some dresses and skirts that aren't maternity, but that's about it.

For tops, it's a bit of a mixed bag. I don't have a ton of maternity shirts. I did start pulling out some more in the last few weeks, but for the most part, my tops are non-maternity. When I'm not pregnant I wear my tops loose enough, or in a style that lends itself well to wearing when pregnant. I keep meaning to go out and get a couple new tops and maybe a new pair of jeans, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.

Sleep: Ahhh...sleep. I have been having some major pregnancy insomnia. I'll wake up in the middle of the night (sometimes because Linnea makes noise or is up, sometimes for apparently no reason), and I CANNOT get back to sleep. I'm exhausted, and want to sleep, but can't get there. It's not even that my mind is racing (which is weird because my mind does that a lot). I just lay there. It's been as long as an hour and half at times. I know it's probably just preparing me for less sleep when the baby comes, but I would really like to sleep well when I can!

Like I mentioned in my last post, I'm usually a stomach sleeper, so it's been hard on my body to not be able to do that. Using the body pillow helps, but a lot of times I wake up pretty sore, and I think that's why.

Best Moment of the Week: Again, I'm covering several weeks here... however, we've gotten into the stage where there are not as many firsts. I appreciate continuing to feel better. Jeromy has gotten to feel a lot more movement out of baby. It's fun to have those big, regular movements again - it's one of my favorite parts of pregnancy. It makes things feel a lot more real. I've enjoyed continuing to feel more like myself - having more energy and appetite. I (knock on wood) haven't had any bad waves of nausea recently. I'm also glad that the weather has been improving (with the exception of a good portion of last week) so I can be out and active more.

Movement: Yup, this baby is quite a mover. Lots of big movements. She's a little shy, in that I've had a bit of a hard time getting others to feel her. Linnea likes to try a lot, but I don't think she's really felt any big movements. I've had a couple other friends try without any luck. And a lot of times when I have Jeromy feel her, she'll stop (though he has caught several good kicks).

I've been surprised at how high she feels already. I'm getting some ribcage pain and kicks, which I definitely remember with Linnea - I just thought they came a bit later.

Food Cravings: Lately, not as many. Thankfully, my appetite has come back for the most part, so the peaks and valleys of cravings and aversions have leveled off.

I still have a bit of a sweet tooth. I was seriously concerned that this would cause me to fail the infamous glucose test, but I passed with flying colors this past Friday! Woot! Now pass me that bag of Skittles!

I'm loving lemonade - specifically of the pink, strawberry/raspberry variety. Jeromy bought some Simply Lemonade on sale last week and I had to stop myself from drinking the jug of mango lemonade in one sitting.

Confession. One day recently (after a doctor's appointment no less) I wanted McDonald's french fries so bad that I couldn't resist a trip through the drive thru to get some. I usually have WAY more willpower than that.

Another confession is that I haven't been great about resisting the temptation of pop. I guess there are worse things, and I don't go crazy with it, but I have a few pops within the week.

Other than that, nothing super strong...

Food Aversions: As alluded to above, this has been much better. Overall, I don't quite have the appetite that I usually do. Foods rarely "sound good" to me, though at least they don't "sound bad." Mostly, everything is fair game, though meats and seafood are sometimes touchy.

I'm really glad to be past the point of being nauseated by anything and everything!

Morning Sickness: Glad to have this behind me! Occasionally when I get up I'll just have a teeny tiny level of quesiness in my stomach. Maybe this sounds gross or odd, but a little scoop of peanut butter usually does the trick to get it to go away. I can definitely deal with that - so much better than what it was.

 

Gender: Another girl. I'm a little sad we don't have a fun nickname for her like we did for Linnea (Sweet Pea). She is most commonly referred to as simply "baby sister."

Symptoms: Like I said in my last post, I've been a little surprised by how early some of the other symptoms of pregnancy have presented themselves. I've been a lot more tired and sore this time around at this point. I try to cut myself a break because I know it's hard work growing a person (and chasing a 3-year-old), but it's frustrating. I'm not used to feeling so tired and sore.

I also have a numb spot right along my bra line, under my boobs. It's so weird. I thought it was caused by my bras, so I switched to nursing bras (no underwire). It's gotten a little better, but is still a bit bothersome. I feel like baby sister is sitting quite a bit higher than Linnea did, as most of her movement and my soreness is in the rib area.

Also the sleep issues I referenced above.

What I miss: I still am really missing running. I didn't help that I totally geeked out over Boston Marathon a week or so ago. Between my 2nd pregnancy, my miscarriage, and this pregnancy, I haven't been running regularly in a very long time. Running (and generally being active) is an important part of my health and well-being for me, so it's really hard to feel SO far behind from where I usually I am.

I'm not much of a drinker, but I found myself missing cold beverages this past week or so. We had our neighbors over for a BBQ last week, and I was wishing I could have a beer too. Oh well.

I miss sleeping on my stomach.

I miss having clothes fit right. I don't have a lot of maternity clothes, and nothing that fits great, so it just kinda feels like nothing fits right/looks good. I'm such a cheapskate, that I really resist buying new clothes, especially ones that I'll just wear for a couple months.

What I'm looking forward to: When I started writing this post, I wrote that Jeromy and I were going on a little babymoon. I didn't get a chance to post this before we left, so that's behind us already. We had a great time - post to come (I hope!).

I'm looking forward to taking steps towards getting things ready room-wise (we have hardly done ANYTHING yet - poor second baby). And just generally feeling more prepared. I'm SUCH a planner, that it's quite alarming that I have hardly done anything in terms of getting things ready for this little one!

Here are some bumps pictures recently. I am just not good with weekly bump shots - I wasn't with Linnea either, so I can't even say that's just a second baby thing.

26 1/2 weeks

27 1/2 weeks

A collage of bumps at 28 1/2 weeks (apparently I'm not on top of it enough to take pictures at the week mark, and hit the 1/2 week mark?)

July is coming fast!! Eeeeee!!!

 

"Half Baked" - a 20(+) week update

Hello, blogging world.

Man, I have been just horrible with posting on here. I'm not sure quite what it's been... a lot going on, I guess...still a lot of emotions...still having some "under the weather days."

Never the less, I wanted to try to keep up with updates...mostly for myself, to be able to look back on, but also just for the sake of blogging (I'm still really trying to be a "real" blogger).

It's a little crazy, but I'm already more than halfway through this pregnancy! In some ways the time has gone by SO. SLOWLY, but on the other hand, I can't believe that I'm over the halfway mark. July will be here before I know it! This very well could be my last pregnancy, which makes me sad... I'm trying not to "wish away the days," and savor every bit of this experience.

A lot of people have been asking how I've been feeling. Thankfully, I am feeling MUCH better overall. For the last 3-4 weeks or so I've seen an increase in energy, decrease in overall nausea, and a bit of an increased appetite. I've been reminded how gradual this is (at least for me). I don't notice the change right away., But then I have a string of days that I don't need a nap at work (seriously, at it's worst I was depended on a work nap every. single. day), don't crash on the couch after work, and/or can actually eat somewhat normally, and I realize...it's better!!

Now, at 23 weeks, good days are (thankfully) the norm! Waves of nausea still creep up on me, and I still sometimes need to crash on the couch after work, but it's maybe 1-2 times a week instead of 6 or 7 times a week. Whew!

It's good timing too, as Winter in Minnesota seems to be (knock on wood) coming to an end. I know, I know...we could still get another storm or cold snap or two, but now that we've seen weather in the 60s, I gotta believe we're in the home stretch. This is one thing I've really enjoyed about being pregnant on this timeline. I feel crummy for a good stretch, but it's when the weather is crummy, and I don't really want to be doing anything anyways. Win!

I don't think I've EVER done one of the "standard" pregnancy updates, but since I've sort of slacked with blogging - in general and with this pregnancy - I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Here we go...

Maternity Clothes: I, like most 2nd time mamas I've talked with, found myself in maternity clothes a lot earlier this time around. Partly because I've gotten bigger faster, but particularly because I remember how darn comfy they are!

I remember "fighting" maternity clothes for a while with Linnea, in denial I suppose that I was ready for them. This time around...no shame. I'm exclusively in maternity pants (and have been since about week 18 I think). I have some maternity shirts, but mostly I'm wearing my normal tops.

I am discovering that I'm in need of some more basic pieces...that's on my to-do list. Any good places I should check out?

Sleep: Sleep is still good. If anything wakes me up at night, it's usually Linnea (thankfully, nothing extended...usually just a bad dream or needs covers or lost a stuffed animal or something). When she wakes me up, I have to go to the bathroom, but I don't wake up for that exclusively.

I'm getting a lot more uncomfortable sooner...I'm a stomach sleeper usually, which obviously doesn't really work. I always (pregnant or not) sleep with a body pillow, which helps a lot.

Best Moment of the Week: Well, since I haven't posted any sort of update in a while, I've got several weeks to cover.

Best moments lately:

• Feeling better overall
• Feeling baby move (definitively around 17 week)
• Having Jeromy, Linnea, and my mother-in-law feel baby move shortly after
• Finding out baby's gender (more on that in a bit)
• Ultrasounds - the big one during week 20...one this week as follow-up because they couldn't get all the measurements they needed (my mom got to come to that one)

Movement: As mentioned above - yes! And a lot earlier and stronger than I felt with Linnea. If I recall correctly, it wasn't until around week 20 or so with Linnea that I for sure felt movement. And probably another 4-5 weeks after that before Jeromy felt her.

This time around, I was pretty sure I was feeling the baby around week 16 or 17...and definitively around the 17 or 18 week mark. This baby is SUPER SUPER active.

During our routine heartbeat checks, the doppler picks up LOTS of movement. Both my doctor and nurse practitioner- as well as the ultrasound techs have mentioned how active the baby is.

I was SHOCKED to find out that the placenta is anterior (in front), which usually means movements can be dampened a bit. I seriously can't IMAGINE how crazy the movement would be otherwise. It'll be interesting as the baby gets stronger...it's going to be crazy.

Food Craving: It's been more aversions for most of the pregnancy, although some cravings have snuck in. Earlier on, cravings were all things sweet and fruity...gummy candies, Skittles, Froot Loops. Crazy sugar overload!

Lately, the cravings have been a bit more random...but still generally in the "sweet" category. Rice Krispie bars, ice cream, milkshakes.

Bagels are also something I've been eating a lot - not necessarily craving, but really enjoying. Jeromy was joking with me yesterday that the baby is going to come out circular, with a little hole in the middle. Hopefully that's not the case! But man, this baby does like bagels! (There are worse things, right?)

Food Aversions: Oh man, yes. It's gotten a lot better, but this was the reality for the first 20 weeks for sure! Like my pregnancy with Linnea, the biggest aversion is meat. I basically become a vegetarian for the first half of my pregnancy. Chicken is usually the first meat that I can eat again. Beef is the last. I'm happy to say that I'm back to eating beef!

Smells are also bad. At the worst, I would have to hide upstairs after work while Jeromy cooked dinner or him and Linnea, with my nose covered by my blanket or shirt.

Let's be honest, I was so sick for the first bit of this pregnancy, that I had aversions to everything but bagels, cereal, saltines, and...that's about it. I'm so glad to be eating regularly now!

Morning Sickness: I joke that whoever made up the name "morning sickness" was likely someone who has never been pregnant. I get "all day sickness." It was all day, every day. Worse in the morning, and at night...but also bad if I got too hungry, or got a whiff of a strong smell. We had a couple really rough months. I'm so thankful to have it behind me!

Gender: We had our big ultrasound at the end of February, which confirmed that we are having another baby girl! I'm excited that Linnea gets a little sister.

Symptoms: In addition to the nausea, I've been very very tired. It's getting better, as with the nausea, but I need to be a little careful to not overdo it. I've had some ligament pain and back aches, which seems really early, but I've heard that's normal when it's not your first pregnancy.

What I miss: Lately, I've really been missing running. I know a lot of women run through their pregnancy, but I just am not comfortable running...it doesn't feel good, and just becomes frustrating. That mostly it. I guess I miss feeling 100%. I'm feeling so much better overall, but just not quite myself. I tire easier, and physically am not quite where I usually am. But other than that, I'm just thankful to be feeling well overall!

What I'm looking forward to: Continued nice weather so I can be active again! Continuing to feel better and more like myself.

I leave you with some bump shots...

About 18 weeks.

20 weeks... (half baked)

Five on Friday (Baby #2 Edition)

As I said in my previous post, after an up and down year in the world of pregnancy and loss, Baby #2 is on its way. It's been a nerve wracking experience this time... just waiting for something to go wrong (that just sounds awful, but it's true). But each milestone, ultrasound, and successful appointment helps us breath a little easier, and start to be more excited than nervous.

Since I haven't posted here lately, I thought I'd devote this Five on Friday post to catch-up on Baby #2/the common questions people seem to want to know...

**ONE**
How far along are you/when are you due?
As of Sunday, I will be 16 weeks - so early in the 2nd trimester. Our official due date is July 12th (interesting factoid - my due dates have all been on the 12th of the month. Linnea was due August 12th (born on the 13th). The baby we lost was due on December 12th. This baby is due on July 12th). How's that for consistency??

**TWO**
When did you find out?
This part of the story makes me smile, and will always serve as a reminder for me to hold on to hope in what feels like hopeless situations. For those of you who have gone through pregnancy loss and/or waiting a long time to get pregnant, you will understand that you get to the point where your monthly cycle, timing of everything, and waiting game is just excruciating. (I fully acknowledge that my waiting game is NOTHING compared to others...but I fully believe that each person is on their own journey and has their own experience. I don't mean to offend).

I had definitely gotten to that excruciating point. The months were just a ongoing cycle of having my period, waiting for the right time, hoping we timed things right, and then waiting. I became obsessed with dates and timing and all of that.

I was so sick of waiting and then being disappointed. I got my hopes up every month, sometimes even being late for almost a week, and then being let down. I was so over it.

I also had a dream about taking a pregnancy test. No a whole lot of details that I remember...but there was definitely a pregnancy test involved. So on Halloween morning I woke up and decided I was just going to take a test. It was almost a week and a half before I would usually even test. I didn't tell Jeromy. I just took it. We had a fun weekend planned and I decided that I'd rather just know, and not be disappointed and sad in the midst of our weekend.

So I did my business, and then putzed on my phone a bit before I hopped in the shower, not even worrying about 3 minute wait, since I assumed it'd be negative. I glanced at the test as I got in the shower. "Positive" it read. And we're taking a digital test...so no trying to decipher the pink lines. Holy crap. A wave of excitement and fear came over me. Don't get your hopes up. Don't get your hopes up...but how can you not? It's positive. But what if it happens again?

I took a shower, mind completely racing.

When I got out of the shower Jeromy was just getting up and coming downstairs. All I could manage to do was hold out the test and say, "So, this happened..." He got a huge smile on his face and gave me a big hug. I love this man. He's always so chill, "in the moment," and "take each thing in stride," that fear wasn't even an emotion he was experiencing in that moment. He was just excited.

Over the next couple weeks I took several more tests. I had started getting the digital ones that predict how many weeks along you are, which helped to boost my confidence and make me feel more reassured, because I'd see the number of weeks along go up. We also got to see the doctor early this time (in the 6th week) to confirm everything looked good. It was nice not to have to wait so long.

As I said before, each test, each ultrasound, each little milestone helps to feel more reassured. I think I will be a bit more on edge this time around because of what we've been through, but I suppose that's to be expected.

**THREE**
How have you been feeling?
I'm not going to lie. It's been rough. This pregnancy has been very similar to the early parts of my pregnancy with Linnea. Around week 7 the symptoms started - bad nausea (though no vomiting, thankfully), extreme lack of appetite, and terrible fatigue. Similar to Linnea, I've finally started to get some relief within the last couple weeks.

This time around, I did resort to medication. It's hard to know if it got to that point because it was that much worse, or because it was harder to deal with due to having to mama to a 3-year-old as well. For a couple months I literally could not make it through my work day without a nap over my lunch break. I left work/took PTO a couple times because I was too sick to be productive in my job. Although I prayed for months to be pregnant again, I'd be lying if I said that all of it was totally welcomed and easy. I don't know. It's an odd mix of emotion.

Anyways, in terms of medication, I started first with a mix of unisom and B6 vitamins (which apparently is a fairly well known over the counter remedy for morning sickness). That worked really well for a few weeks (as in I could survive the day, and actually eat a bit more than saltines or dry cereal), and then suddenly didn't (not sure if I build up some sort of immunity or if the symptoms themselves got that much worse). Either way, at that point I resorted to Zofran, which is a commonly prescribed medication for morning sickness (more traditionally used for patients with cancer, but found to provide relief in these circumstances as well). I've been taking all three for the last couple weeks, and am feeling better.

Again, it's hard to know if the little bit of relief I started to feel was because of the medicine, or because I was starting to lose symptoms. If this pregnancy is true to mine with Linnea it will be until about 18 weeks before I fully am back to myself - appetite-wise, energy wise, etc.

I would say I'm about 70%-80% most days. I'm not needing a nap in the same way that I have. While I can tell my appetite is still limited, it is starting to come back. I (knock on wood) have not had the really bad waves of nausea in a couple weeks. I'm getting a bit more energy back so that I do more than work and sleep.

My dear husband has been a saint. I know it's not easy for him. He's had to shoulder most of the Linnea care, all of the cooking, and most of the house work. Not only that, but it's a bit like he's lost his wife as well - at my worst I would go straight to bed when I got home, and only resurface to put Linnea to bed (if that). I know it's been hard, and I'm so thankful for how well he's managed to hold things together. Wasn't always pretty, but we made it.

**FOUR**
What's Linnea's reaction been?
Seeing the pregnancy through Linnea's eyes, and watching her take on the role of big sister is something I've been REALLY excited about.

Before we told her about the baby, it was really hard. She didn't understand why I was eating, playing, or why I had to spend so much time on the couch or in bed. I know it worried her, but also probably just plain annoyed her.

We finally broke the news when I was around 11 weeks, which is earlier than I had planned (mostly because she's so talkative that I didn't trust her to keep the secret). Jeromy suggested we just tell her on one night when I was feeling cruddy (because she was so worried about me).

She seemed to at least sort of understand. She giggled with excitement, and asked some questions. I don't know if she REALLY understands the full extent of what's going on, but she does know mama has a baby in her belly and that she is going to be a big sister.

One really funny thing since we told her is that she has been convinced that she has a baby in her tummy too. It's a girl baby, and her name is Laura. She's even gone as far as telling me that I can have a boy baby (even though if you ask her if she wants a brother or sister she'll always answer sister) because she is having a girl baby. Fairly regularly she'll talk about Laura. Too funny.

Another thing that's been making me laugh... as I've started to show a little bit, Linnea will regularly greet me with, "Whoa, Mama! Look how big your baby has gotten." Oh honey, you have no idea! Just you wait.

She's been very sweet though. She asks to talk to the baby, and see the baby. She seems genuinely excited about the baby. I'm so excited to watch her become a big sister.

**FIVE**
Pregnancy after miscarriage?
So admittedly, not really a question that people ask, but something I think people wonder about, and something that's played a big part in the experience this time around.

As I mentioned a bit above, it's been such a nerve wracking experience. With the first two pregnancies, I never assumed anything would go wrong. Sure, you always worry. You wonder if everything is okay. But you don't really think that it's not going to end well.

This time around it's been really different. The first several weeks I was more nervous than excited. I went to the doctor fairly regularly, just to make sure the baby was still doing okay. And I think if I'm honest with myself, each time part of me assumed that I would find out I miscarried again.

It's been just recently that the bulk of that worry has subsided. Now that the news is out, and that I'm in the second trimester, excitement is starting to take over.

I really can't fully explain the mix and mess of emotions. I've thought a lot about this. After I miscarried, I hated seeing anything pregnancy related. Any announcements on Facebook, conversation in passing, even seeing people pregnant. It felt (completely irrationally, I might add) like the world was mocking me. I vowed at that time that I would not complain at all about anything pregnancy related, I would cut way back on posting anything about my pregnancy, etc.

But then I got pregnant again. And started to let myself get excited. And I wanted to talk to people about it. I wanted to post a cute Facebook announcement. I wanted to reach out on social media to get advice about my pregnancy woes. Because that's what I was living. And I was - am - excited.

I hate knowing the other side of it. I hate knowing that my posts (including this one probably) make people mad, sad, or otherwise. I hate the self-loathing that sneaks up on me when I feel I posted too much..or maybe worded something poorly.

It's a hard road to navigate, friends. I'm not sure I have much more to say that will truly express the mix and mess of emotions.

Happy Friday, everyone! Thank you for reading.

Why I've been MIA...

So I've sucked with a capital S at blogging as of late. I've tried to keep at it, but I just haven't had the energy or capacity to do it (or at least do it well).

Those of you who follow me on Facebook and/or Instagram know the main reason why this has been the case, but in case there's anyone reading who doesn't (which is doubtful, because I think I have like 5 readers, but whatevs)...

Yup. After a very bumpy road this year in terms of pregnancy and loss, I am pregnant again. This time around has been very different...lots of different emotions being pregnant after miscarriage. But things are going well, and looking good.

Lots more on this to come, I'm sure...